eternal sun
by sanctuarys
Summary: Red spider lilies were the prettiest flowers. Similarly, death had appealed to her for too many times that she had lost count. Surviving in this chaotic world seems impossible. But she tries anyway. OC. Semi self-insert.
1. prolouge

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto

_edited: 12/21/2013, 12/23/2013, 1/12/2014_

* * *

_prologue_

_different reality_

* * *

It was a long time until I could hear something.

_Ba-dump_

Like a gentle lullaby, it was constant and comforting.

_Ba-dump_

It reassured me that I wasn't as lost as I first thought I was.

(Alive? Am I?)

* * *

"Sana, Sana," she sung her name over and over. She would look into her small pair of honey eyes (oh my, just like her father) and tell her newborn how much she loves her.

The baby was such a frail, little thing that she is constantly afraid. The mother knew, she knew that soon, it would be her daughter's time. She would be taken away. She is afraid because her innocence will be ripped from her and she doesn't want to hear her girl (such _small _thing) scream at night just because- because- because-

The monster would haunt her.

Time, _time_, _**time **_is running out.

* * *

"She is compatible."

The blood in her veins freezes.

She is afraid- so, so, so afraid-

No, no, she is not. She is lying to herself because she is not afraid.

She is _terrified_.

* * *

He tried to calm her down (he _can _see her trembling) and he knew it will never be enough.

All they could do is hope-

Hope that the insanity would not take their daughter away.

* * *

They let the boy see her.

(The mother insisted, with force she threatened, if she needed to.)

His brown eyes looked at her with curiosity, the baby looked back and they stare.

Suddenly, she gurgled and raised her tiny hand out at him, like an invitation. He stared at her face to her outstretched hand and gave her the finger she had reached out for.

He quite like the feel of the soft skin of her fingers and he tried to show that he is careful by gently caressing her fingers with his thumb.

She gave him a happy gurgle. (Or what he thinks it is anyway.)

"Hello, Sana," he whispered with something akin to affection. "I am your big brother." He smiled.

* * *

He watched as his sister cry silently. For her niece (what would be left of her anyway), for everything she could've been. And perhaps, never would be.

Because he had _seen _the terror. The way they scream, beg and it would suddenly turn into a bloodthirsty howl-

He stopped his train of thought and cleared his mind because no, it was not the time for him to reminisce.

His sister was crying, trembling and his brother-in-law stood very still with his hand on her shoulder. Then, there was the man who had lost his arm, who is blind, who was waiting to die and escape from his monster. There was the old but respectable woman in the room who gazed at the bundle in front of her with sadness that she tried to hide.

Then there was his niece who wasn't even a week old.

But there was no choice.

It had to be done.

* * *

She would dream of eyes.

Gold eyes with strange pupils, like stars, and dots. A way to describe them would be pretty, enchanting but malevolent and somehow, bloodthirsty.

When she dreams of them, her heart beats louder and shivers would run down her spine. But she cannot run away so she stays and stares at the eyes.

No matter how long, or terrifying, she would stay and stare.

Because there is no escape.

* * *

When things slowly change for the better, something would always be there in the shadows and it would show its ugly head to sneer at others that drowned in their own pain and suffering; misfortune.

It was just three months.

Three months.

Her niece was three months old when she lost her father.

* * *

Her first word had been 'nii'.

Her second, shortly after, word had been 'kaa'.

Then her baby girl stared at the floor and her face scrunched up as if she was trying hard to think.

She, then, added a soft 'tou' to her growing vocabulary.

The young mother simply hugged the both of her children. The older one had returned the hug and the little girl tried her hardest to return the show of affection.

Nobody had noticed the determined glint in her young, honey eyes.

* * *

Sometimes her mother would brush her (nearly non-existent) hair and she could really_ feel_ how much she loves her without fear. From the way she said her name, the way she looked at her without hidden contempt, the way she was gentle in everything. All without fear.

Fear of the monster.

She was grateful of that and promised that she would keep her safe.

(Can you really?)

Her brother was clever and he too, never hesitated when she reached out to touch his hand and make sure that he was real and that he wasn't lying when he comforted her.

"_It's okay. Sana is not a monster. She is my sister."_

Their mother would smile and praise him because she had elaborated as best as she could and he understood. So she was very, _very _grateful because the two people she loves, returned her affections without fear or uncertainty behind it.

She promised that she would keep them safe from whatever the future throws at them.

She would make sure of that.

(Really?)

* * *

When she walked down the street with her mother's hand in hers, the people would stare and some would even stop.

But her mother (she doesn't deserve her, truly), wouldn't care and would talk to her as if she was a normal child. She would reply with a smile on her face because she really is_ happy_ despite the way they had looked at her and the apparent, heavy tension in the air.

When she shopped with her mother and asked people of things they would be hesitant and somewhat fearful to answer. However, she knew so she understood and instead, tried her best to return the fear with genuine, albeit small, smiles.

The best she could get out of all that effort were crooked smiles and some relieved sighs as she left with her mother.

She doesn't worry too much because she was doing this simply for her new family. She wouldn't tolerate them to look at _her_ family with distaste so she held the reins of her anger and pretended.

* * *

"**What do you want, brat?"**

It was a desert of forever lasting nighttime with the red moon hanging on the sky, like an eye.

"Nothing. I just… like it here."

There is silence because the beast would leave her alone to her musings and she would lie down on the sand, to enjoy the starless sky.

Most of the time she wouldn't sleep and instead, come to this place because she was not in control of the many times she would somehow do this. Therefore, she would simply adapt to it.

(She's great at that.)

She would play with the sand and think. She would talk to him even though he never listened (or so he says). She quietly informed him of what she had thought, remembered or her opinions on many different things.

Though, sometimes, he would exude killing intent.

(To test her, maybe?)

His hostile energy had froze her and terrified her but when he stopped, she would be fine again. She tried her hardest by insisting that yes, she was afraid of what he could do to her but she considered him somewhat of a companion because he had known of her secrets and she was okay with that.

He is inside her and she knows how it felt like.

To be unable to do anything and everyone hated- _hated_ them for being what they are.

This is why humans are despicable.

And the both of them share the same thought.

* * *

(Do you guys know who her brother is? Yeah, I know you would.)

Ah, here I am. Please don't kill me, oh readers of _death's blessing_.

So, I was thinking of updating that story but then, I thought about it again. It is not _good _for me so I restarted it, somewhat, with this. Thanks for the understanding!

For new readers:

Hello and thank you for reading this story. I would appreciate your support in any shape or form(favs, follows, reviews, messages) because it would really motivate me to write. Constructive criticism would always be welcome as I always want to improve.

I'm not sure of my update schedule because it really depends on motivation and time. I will be having my nationals next year so I would like to spend time studying but I _know _I will have time typing. But I just don't have anything to push me so motivation from my readers would be nice.

Beta reader! I am looking for one because I need some second opinion on my ideas and to correct my grammar and various English errors.

Sorry for any grammar, spelling or other mistakes.

Thank you, again!


	2. chapter 1

Thank you for those who are willing to give this a story a chance, I love you!

First chapter dedicated to my lovely beta reader, _Miyuusen_!

_beta reader: Miyuusen_

The **disclaimer **still applies.

_edited: 12/29/2013, 1/12/2014_

* * *

"_Imouto, what are you doing?"_

_I squeaked in surprise and turned to face my brother, who was silently approaching me. How long had he been there?_

"_N-n-nii-san!" I tried desperately to hide them behind my back because if he finds out- no, even the scene of how that will play out didn't seem nice at all._

_He raised an eyebrow and asked again, "What are you doing?"_

"_N-nothing." Why did I have to stutter?_

_He was in front of me now and he was quiet, as always, and stared at me while I fidgeted under his gaze. Suddenly, he placed his hand on top of my messy, dark brown hair and looked straight into my eyes._

"_You are a horrible liar." He smirked._

"_S-shaddup." My cheeks were terribly red._

* * *

_chapter 1_

_equilibrium_

* * *

Sana knew that she could only trust the woman who bore her and the boy who was supposedly her sibling.

Maybe it was selfish to think that '_I should not be treated like an anomaly, because I'm just a child. I did nothing wrong_' because she had never been 'normal' in the first place (reincarnated soul, sealed monster, what else?). At least, she had _her_ family with her, isn't that right? She couldn't be selfish.

She was even given _another chance_.

That was a good reason enough to stop picturing herself as whom she will never be.

(Friendly gazes, no disgust, no fear, no-)

Though sometimes, she would just imagine, just for a moment, that she was that child shopping across the street who received no bitter stares with an extra apple to keep.

There was a sting somewhere in her chest but she squashed the feeling before it could develop into something more than 'just a sting'.

* * *

Sasori was a terribly adorable child.

When he looked at her with _those _eyes and blinked, she had stop herself from squealing or doing other 'fangirling' actions. (She admits he was very pretty for a boy child).

She would try to stick with her brother of hers by any means possible. When he came home from his errands, she would crawl (later walk) up to him, hug his leg and proclaim a loud 'Nii-chan!', earning a huge smile from him which will never fail to warm her heart. He didn't really seem to mind that she was quite a clingy little child, maybe because he liked the human contact as much as she did.

This 'clingy' behaviour of hers was, perhaps, largely because she found out that there was a war going on.

("Ah, if only I could stay and take care of you both but this blasted war- oh. Never mind, children.")

Their mother would disappear for days and sometimes, months, for her missions (or it could be interpreted as 'fighting with her life on the line for some stupid war'). She was never happy about these missions (those what ifs on her mind were bugging her) and sometimes, Sasori would share his worries about their mother with her but then he would remember who he is, an older brother, and he would stop. The first time he had done so, she realized that Sasori, a four year old, was trying to be strong for their sake, even though he knew that she didn't understand (she understood most of the things he had said), he stopped anyway. He would dismiss his thoughts and go back to playing with her or studying in her room because he _knows_.

She was utterly struck by how mature he is, even though he is _just a four year old_.

And what would those children at the same age do? Perhaps cry and play without a care in the world, like what innocent children usually do.

Maybe, her mother had said something about it or just because it's _Sasori_ (albeit a little one, still) but she couldn't stop thinking, worrying, wondering every time Sasori would say 'Mother is strong, it's okay', as if trying to reassure her as much as himself, that this world is such a terrible, cruel and twisted place.

Forcing children to war, really?

No, _really?_

It was still a foreign concept to her but she tried to smooth out her disgust and disbelief. This wasn't her world anymore, after all. What could she do anyway? Lecture the people who had been running this whole country for ages about how fighting was bad and cruel and not right?

With that conclusion, she left her thinking behind and pushed the concept of violence, ninjas and war into the deepest pits of her mind.

She wanted to enjoy her brief, fleeting, ephemeral childhood and she knew that it was a selfish thought. After all, who doesn't want to enjoy their childhood? But truly, she just _couldn't care less_.

So she tightened her hold on his hand while he read her a story book and if he noticed, didn't say a word.

* * *

"Sasori is a good, obedient child and Sana is the same. They are quiet and understands instructions easily enough."

"Hm, is that so? I may have to take a look."

"Sasori… Are you intending on teaching him puppetry?"

There was a mischievous glint in her eyes as she answered, "Perhaps."

"Then, then- Sana?"

"About that," there was a sigh, "we are not sure as well. If and _if _she is able to control it, we can ask of your opinions on this."

"If not?"

"Expect the worse."

* * *

She didn't trust Chiyo.

She recalled, with effort, that she had lied to Sasori about his parents' death (not this time, she hoped).

However, she understood as she herself would've probably done the same, sparing the boy from grief and torture of the thought of not being able to see his parents ever again and instead lying, lying, lying until he could bear the truth.

This distrust of hers was because Chiyo had been able to lie to her grandchild to cover up the harsh truth of the world out there. Did that mean her distrust was caused by familial love? Most likely. Though, she decided that it may be too early to decide on her character. She could've changed or she may be different, right?

There was no harm in being more wary, of course.

Their grandmother was a respected kunoichi who was participating in the current war but occasionally, she would come back to the village to rest for several days then, head out again.

Resting, sometimes, meant visiting her 'lovely' grandchildren.

(There was a flash of _something_ when the woman laid her eyes on her but it was gone the moment it appeared. She may have imagined it but now, she was able to be wary around her own grandmother without guilt).

Chiyo-obaa-san would do a better job in taking care of them, of course, than those women who looked ready to flee if she were to just to twitch. The old woman was not particularly affectionate but she didn't fear her (visibly) so Sana supposed she was fond enough of the woman especially when she started showing how puppets work to entertain the both of them. Sasori was clearly amazed by puppetry and when grandmother had offered to teach him, he looked ecstatic, like a child receiving a toy he had long wanted for Christmas instead of being promised lessons on how to operate a tool that could be used to slaughter people (she knew that was for later but still).

Oh well, she should be happy for him especially when he's beaming with excitement and an adorable smile was plastered on his face.

"Imouto, I promise I'll show you when I learn, okay?" He looked at her then and she decided to play along.

"Uh! Uh!" Sana nodded, clapped and gave several sounds of affirmation with the best of her abilities (her awkward body was still stiff). She felt slightly embarrassed, all this time, it felt as if she was trying to impersonate a baby which she knew she had failed in. But maybe not so badly, she thought when she saw Chiyo-obaa-san's soft smile and felt Sasori pat her head.

A week later (perhaps?), it was the first time Sasori showed the fruits of his hard work.

It was also the first time she actually saw chakra.

She had _actually forgotten _about _chakra_.

(She didn't feel any different, maybe a little warm, but it may just be just her baby temperature or something else right?)

While she was busy calling herself a foolishly foolish fool for forgetting _that _particularly important detail, especially when Chiyo _showed _them puppetry, Sasori grabbed his small, wooden practice puppet and attached his chakra strings to them.

She stopped mentally punching herself in the face and soon enough became strangely fixated on that blue… energy that took the form of thin threads that stuck to the wooden surface of the doll.

She couldn't help it but think _magic_.

Her mind went back to Chiyo's show of puppetry just last week and it seemed that she was able to create chakra strings so thin that the chakra itself was not visible? She thought of it again but was snapped out of her musings when she felt Sasori sitting right next to her.

After that, he moved his finger and the puppet twitched then stood. It then did various things like walking, sitting, dancing, twirling and she was so focused on the moving wooden figure that she was startled when Sasori talked.

"What do you think, imouto?" He looked proud of himself and she briefly thought about his progress. She had forgotten some things about the series but she could still roughly recollect things she had read on the internet (there was a tinge of home sickness there but _magic_), she pieced whatever she could and came to a somewhat shaky conclusion.

Wasn't his progress a little _too _fast?

Her older brother was still waiting for her answer, she realized, so she turned to the puppet once more, which was still standing, and then looked at his expectant eyes again.

She had to admit, that was pretty amazing.

"Nii-chan! Su-su-sug-" She stumbled over her words. Well, she was just a little older than one so she had an excuse.

He laughed (she couldn't resist and thought 'how cute') and gave her the wooden doll, smiling before patting her head. "Sugoi, imouto, su-go-i and thank you."

After that, they spent the rest of the day teaching new words to her and showing her his (soon to be discovered) prodigal puppetry skills.

* * *

Sana was aware that her old self was slowly slipping away.

She kept on repeating the plot and details of the manga over and over again that when she tried to remember the names of people she recognized in her 'previous' life, she couldn't remember most of them. There were several that she still remembered but even her parents' faces were quite blurry in her mind.

It was like as if she had started shedding the pieces of her last life to make space for this new one. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing as it was inevitable anyway but it didn't make it any less disturbing because she was generally forgetting _everything_ and there was nothing to refresh the lost memory of her past life. She was slightly irritated by the fact that she couldn't do anything about it.

She hoped that at least her mind would still be with her and not to be replaced with a different one. What if her personality changes?

Would she even be herself if that happens?

Then, that would mean she would have to initiate her plan faster than she wanted.

But what would she do after? Even though there was a war going on, there may be a risk of a shinobi guarding her somewhere so if she would even try to write when she was not even taught how to yet _especially_ in a different language, there was going to be a huge problem.

Suddenly, she gazed up from her wooden toy, walked up to Sasori and tugged on his shirt.

"Nii-chan, sleep."

* * *

"Ichibi-san?"

He opened his one eye and said nothing. He simply stared at her tiny form and compared to him, she felt like a pebble in the corner of the road somewhere. The only thing between them was the seal (it was almost transparent) keeping him in and that made her even more than nervous.

"Can we make deal?" she continued writing on the sand with her fingers with difficulty. She was tense because he could reject and then- then- everything could and most probably _would _come tumbling down.

He didn't say anything again so she took it as a chance to continue, even with her broken Japanese.

"We be friends and you can kill if you want, if accept. I let you."

It won't do good to her mind because killing was not a pleasant thought to her at all but it was the world of ninjas where killing is your line of work so she had to try and get used to it. She could- no, she had to go through it and she would be able to do it with her brother and mother with her. It's alright because it was expected of her and this world is different. She would be alright and-

There was a sudden snort and loud, malicious laugh followed.

She stopped writing on the sand and turned to Shukaku. His laugh was disconcerting and she found her apprehension building up inside of her.

"**What makes you think you are so special, brat?" **He rose up, completely towering over her and turned to face her. His face was twisted with crazed glee.

She found her stomach dropping.

She tried to speak because she was honestly bewildered by sudden change in attitude. What is happening?

"Wha-"

"**Just because you are reincarnated you think yourself so special? Different? So what? You are still human, aren't you?" **The malevolent aura surrounding him was spreading like poison and despite the seal, her breath hitched. It wasn't even killing intent. It's _just his aura_ and it's starting to slowly suffocate her.

She was absolutely still and found that her mind was repeating the words over and over again.

_Special? Different? Human? Doing this to be special? But-_

"**You think that by 'opening up' to me and spilling everything, I'll be your friend?" **He scoffed. **"Are you trying to control me by **_**friendship**_**? Hah! Offer it to that damn fox, maybe he'll agree."**

He then continued as if not noticing her struggling to control her breathing. **"Humans, they think they could control **_**my **_**powers by sealing me here? **_**I**_** control those humans, brat. **_**I **_**make them do what **_**I**_** want. When I say kill, they kill. And you**," he sneered at her as if amused by the shock and fear on her face. **"would probably end up the same. This seal wouldn't hold me for long, you'll see."**

"I- I'm no like that- It's not li-like that-"

She was surprised that she could still speak with the heavy air pressing down on her, it was like she was going to drown and truly, worse than water could ever be.

"**Oh, then what?"** He paused, as if thinking but it was probably to prolong her suffering.** "Ah, I see it's to 'protect' your loved ones, isn't it? As if **_**I **_**would care on what you want to protect. We bijuu are simply above you humans and you're talking to us as if we're equals just because you manage to seal us inside one of you? Pathetic."**

She could hardly breathe anymore and her mind was not working properly and all she could think of was that she needed to_ breathe_. She was desperate and she couldn't really hear what he said, everything was jumbled up at this point.

She did the last thing she thought possible.

She passed out.

* * *

Tried fluff. And who saw that Ace Attorney reference?

Alright, so she seems Mary Sue isn't she? But I'm trying to change the fact that being a jinchuriki doesn't mean it's easy as long as you forget about the hate and be positive (cough_Naruto_cough) and that it's not Mary Sue if managed to do right. I do try and that's why I need input from readers? What do you think? OOC Shukaku, Sasori or any problems? Tell me.

Yes, I made Sasori her brother. What? He needs love.

Besides, I'm not going to make her life all flowers and rainbows. I just hope that you, my readers, would come to understand her more through my writing and I also hope that I won't disappoint you.

(The snippets before each chapter is some kind of preview on things that I would not be able to include or something. Funny, cute, angst, I'm throwing everything there.)

Also, thank you for the favourites and follows!

It's late but Merry Christmas!


	3. chapter 2

Early update?

_beta reader: Miyuusen_

The **disclaimer **still applies.

_edited: 12/29/2013_

* * *

"_Sana."_

_My name echoed throughout the house. I froze and slowly turned to my mother, showing her my innocent face with what I hoped to be a cute smile, though this rarely worked on her._

_It was still worth a try._

"_What did I tell you about sand inside the house?" She asked me with a sickly sweet tone. That was the best sign I could get from her that tells me 'you're in deep trouble, run, run, run'._

_I try anyway._

"_But kaa-san-"_

_Mother smiled._

"_I really-"_

_She tilted her head._

"_It's not-"_

_She raised an eyebrow._

_I tried the pleading puppy eyes now however, unfortunately for me, it failed to succeed. Yet again, she won. She always does._

_There was a heavy, relenting sigh. _

"_Hai, kaa-san." I walked away, slightly sulking, to look for a broom._

* * *

_chapter 2_

_ambivalent_

* * *

"Sana!"

She woke up then promptly realized, with joy and relief, that she could _breathe_.

_Inhale. Exhale. Sweet air. Inhale. Exhale. Inha-_

"Sana? Are you okay?" Her dearest brother was hovering over her with a frown on his face. Clearly, he was worried.

Wasn't he?

It felt nice.

But then, she remembered everything collapsing.

She thought she heard a chuckle somewhere.

"It's okay." She said somewhat shakily. "Just bad dream." _Terrifying dream_.

He stayed for a little while, perhaps to convince himself that she was alright, then left it at that. She was glad he wasn't fussy or nosey because right now, her mind was a giant whirlwind.

_That's it._

_It's over, isn't it? _

_Just like that._

_I failed._

_Failed._

_Failed. Failure._

_Nothing changes._

_Disappointment. Worthless._

_If she couldn't even solve her own problems, what of others?_

_Failfailfailfailfailfailfailfail__**fail. **_

She stopped herself from laughing a humourless, hollow laugh.

_Always worthless._

'Ah, what do I do now?'

* * *

Sasori thought that his sister was odd even when his mother would tell him unique would be a better word.

He thought, at first, that having a sibling would be bothersome, especially a girl sibling. He thought she would cry incessantly and demand him of things, like a pampered princess.

Sana was a nice little sibling.

(It was huge relief because- _because his father is __**nevernevernever **__coming back-_)

Perhaps, she was an exception or there were different types of siblings? He didn't really know and he doesn't bother about it much (he has better things to do, he doesn't like wasting his time).

He just likes it that she is fascinated with his puppetry. He likes it that she doesn't disturb him when he studied about ninjas. He likes it that she understands what he means by simple, short words.

He likes it that she likes him.

And so, he is fine that she was a little odd.

* * *

It will always hurt when someone tells you that they hate you.

In your face.

"Monster. Stay away from me."

_Cold, hate, cruel, fury._

"Stop it, Haruka-"

"It's good that I couldn't bear a child lest he or she turns into," Her glare intensifies. "_that_."

There was so much spite and anger in that word alone. She flinches and cowers behind her mother.

"Haruka!"

She stopped but the glare stayed.

He sighed and it seems like he had aged another ten years.

She didn't dare say anything throughout the whole meeting.

It was supposed to be a warm, family gathering.

What happened to it?

All this, because of her?

Something she didn't want in the first place?

Why?

_Why?_

_Why her?_

* * *

"Your name is Sana because you're born on the seventh of March."

_How original._

"It's also because 'sa' mean sands."

_Again. Original._

"I believe in you, Sana." She started, slowly, softly. "Mother believes in you. It's not always okay but mother is here. There will always be people supporting you."

The world stops and she inhales, sharply. The corner of her eyes sting and her heart squeezes. She almost laughed at how much the words had affected her even though it was cliché but her mother pulled her close and she, in turn, buried her face in her clothes.

Perhaps she had shed a few tears then but it's comforting because she knows her mother stayed with her through it all.

She felt lighter in what seems like a long time.

* * *

"Imouto, today, your nii-san will be going to the Academy." Sasori informed her, brightly.

Sana knew he had been waiting for this day since he had learnt about the Academy.

Sasori is six and he is a prodigy.

She knows his chakra control is perfection (Chiyo-obaa-san praises him often enough) and his taijutsu, ninjutsu, genjutsu is _very _good for his age (never showed her but grandmother). He had even gone to carving to puppets for him to practice and toys for detail practice in which he would later give them to her.

In Suna, when there is a prodigy, they will push them to their limits uncaring of their age also paying minimal attention to mental health. However, training does pay off because under their grandmother's tutelage and their mother, he is brilliant.

Mother is absolutely proud and happy.

Sana, well, not so much.

She is very happy that her brother is gaining recognition and respect, very much so, because Sasori truly deserves it. (No, not jealousy. Really, that's not it.)

She knows people stayed clear of her family members (_'because of you'_ something would whisper in her ear) so now, she is happy that maybe her mother's friends would come back and Sasori would gain some for himself. It was a happy thought.

But being a prodigy has its downside, of course.

What if they push him till he breaks? What then?

She doesn't want that.

She knows of Itachi so what if it happens to Sasori too?

(Konoha was even known for being the _friendly _one and Itachi still happened, didn't it?)

Despite all that, she waved him off with a grin on her face.

"Bye bye, nii-chan!" _Don't come back broken._

She would wish for it every day whenever he goes to a school that teaches the basics of being a murderer (she doesn't really thought much of it now because everyone are murderers here even her mother and she's practically fated to be one).

It was silly because wishes don't come true without effort. (_'Sometimes not at all.'_)

She knew she had to be good too and then, she could help carry some of his burden; expectations, responsibilities. So she would work hard, hard and harder to become good then better.

Never be the best but that's alright.

She would help her brother and her mother with the best of her abilities.

She would work hard to prove herself not a dead weight so that they won't regret being with her, supporting her.

'That awfully sounded like Naruto-'

All her thoughts came to a screeching halt.

She spun around and stared at the sand at her feet, they were almost dancing in the wind, if one looked closely enough. Most likely, the sand was reacting to Shukaku's leaking chakra due to the imperfect seal and she stuck to that theory she formed several days ago, when she first saw the strange way sand would react around her.

'Shukaku…'

_Prove… herself?_

_Worthy?_

Was it really all that simple?

Truthfully, she had been running away from _him_ since that day in which he tried to drown her on land (in a desert and in her own mind, no less). He was much more terrifying than he usually was and she really believed at that time, he was actually going to kill her. The feeling of not having air going in and out of your lungs was horrifying and her panicking, frantic but not being able to do anything- it was absolutely frightening.

She was a desperate, naive idiot willing to trust the beast just like that.

She thought that it was enough. Maybe because Naruto offered friendship to Kurama, which he later accepted, that if she put her sincerest feelings in her effort, it would be the way she wanted.

What is this? A shoujo manga?

She should've known better.

Friendship requires dedication, patience and for a beast with a superiority complex, killing urges and attitude problems, it will take so much more than just that.

'Gaara… he kills to prove his existence. Shukaku encourages that because he has always been blood thirsty? That- that doesn't seem right. If Kurama can accept, despite him being similar to Shukaku (ironic, they hated each other), something must've happened, right?'

She had been a coward.

Probably still is.

Hope is unreliable.

Hope is childish.

Disappointment is something she never wanted to face.

But, people had always said that she had no self-confidence.

Maybe.

_Maybe._

She should start putting hope in herself.

If it doesn't succeed, then there must be another way, right?

At least, it was a positive thought.

She smiled wryly.

* * *

Sana had always felt guilty.

No, no, not Sana.

_Her._

The one who is occupying this body- Sasori's little sister's, Sana's, body.

_Not Sana but __**her**__._

She's been pushing, burying the issue deep, deep inside of her mind but, sometimes, _sometimes_, she would lie in her bed and think that she is taking up someone's place in this world.

_It's not even where she had lived in before._

Whether it was intentional or not, she was still doing it, taking what's not supposed to be hers. What's worse is that she made a pathetic excuse that 'there's nothing that could be done' which she repeated daily and eventually, started believing in it too.

That was complete, utter crap.

She can do _something_.

So she was supposed to… to what?

That's where the thoughts completely die off because what? _What is she supposed to do?_

Die? Ask forgiveness? _What?_

If the guilt would continue on bothering her then _at least_ tell her, give her something to do to compensate.

The feeling bothered her like a continuous itch on her chest and she could do nothing to make it stop. It just continued on growing more and more irritating, more vexing, more agitating always making her stomach twist uncomfortably until she wants to scream and run away.

It would grow unbearable at one point.

The emotions- _all, everything _- with words of before and now- _'failure, inhumane, monster, moron, useless'_- would just meld with the guilt like stirring her despicable, idiotic emotions together into one giant, black lump. She would bury herself in her knees or curl herself into a ball. Her breathing will turn ragged and sometimes, she shivers. She would bite her lip, maybe grit her teeth, so she could not speak or shed a tear and until she can regain her bearings again, she would refuse to make a sound because she is afraid that everything will spill over or she will scream or she will do some stupid action that she wouldn't be able to explain later on.

She is disgusted at herself.

There will be faint chuckles or snickers when she is particularly struggling. (It's there, she didn't imagine it.)

She didn't know which is scarier, the fact that she had started to hear Shukaku or that it's not him.

Thankfully, most of the time, she is alone when 'that' happens.

(At least, she hoped so.)

Most of the time, when it does, it will be when she was lying down on her bed with the covers covering her small, young frame. It happened when she was in front of the mirror, at night or noon- it doesn't matter, when she sees her reflection of brown hair reaching her scrawny shoulders and those honey eyes from her father.

('Brown hair? Honey eyes? This… this not my face- not- _not my face!_' A part her mind would scream and another, dead silent as if accepting but she knows she doesn't because _it is her face_. What else could it be?)

She learnt not to see her face in the mirror whenever she could avoid it.

The occasion happened not often but enough (the fact that it even _happened_, scares her) that she knows she has to stop it. If her emotions go out of control, how can she even face her family?

(Then her guilt stirs up again because _her _family?)

The cycle made her sick and nauseous. She tries to subdue it when it comes for her because she _had _to and when she successfully molds it all into a tiny ball, will repress it far, far down and under.

Maybe it's not healthy but it had worked so far.

So she does that again and again, until it doesn't happen anymore.

(_No, it still happens but it's just that in concealing it, she had become better, though not perfect._)

Her head would ache slightly after.

But she is glad anyway.

She had won today's battle.

* * *

Their mother comes home more often, though the war rages on.

Sasori graduated the Academy with flying colours.

Sana, herself, had lived for almost four years.

It lulled her into a sense of peace.

(_They don't last very long._)

* * *

'沙' is 'sa' which means sand or small pebbles says Google. Sana can also generally mean seventh of March. Haruka means, in my case, 'far off, distant'.

If I'm in Sana's place, I'll go mad. She has a monster who would _force _her to _kill_ plus other circumstances.

I try to relate her to us, real people in real life as much as possible. In my opinion, I as a person am similar to Sana. I can adapt fairly easily (it comes from real life observation) but I shove all my conflicting feelings deep down. It's a really bad habit because then the feelings would come all at once, and bam, I find myself sobbing for no apparent reason. I also have issues with people's expectations, am very insecure, socially awkward and I could list my personal problems on and on and on. But the point is, she has lots of problems, like me and everyone else.

It's not life if you don't have problems, right?

Anyways, on a happier note, thank you for the review, _Winter Baroness_! Glad you like it and whew, thank goodness you think that it's not Mary Sue.

Also to the people who pressed the favourite and follow button, thank you so much! Your support mean a ton to me.

This year is coming to an end and school is starting soon (Jan 2nd) so sorry in advance for the lack of updates later.

Thanks again!


	4. chapter 3

Surprise, surprise.

Were there problems with the horizontal lines? I may use a new page break if there is.

_beta reader: Miyuusen_

The **disclaimer** still applies.

* * *

'_I want to see snow again.'_

_The sun was still glaring and it was still scorching hot like always. As if wishing for it will make it appear. I resisted the urge to snort at my own stupidity._

_Instead of mulling over how childish I am, I focused on picturing us; mother, brother and I playing in the snow. Sasori probably wouldn't bother playing until I would throw several snowballs at him and taunt him a little. He hates losing. Mother would probably laugh it off as 'sibling love' and join us too._

_It seems fun._

'_Maybe a vacation,' I thought somewhat cheerfully. 'Nii-san does need one, he looked-'_

_I didn't realize I was frowning then, all happy thoughts slowly going down the drain._

'_exhausted.'_

_He would always be working on new puppets and he would say something along the lines 'needing to improve my performance on the battlefield' if I ever called him for a break even when he clearly needs rest._

_I tried thinking of ways I could make him get out from that workshop of his (he basically _lives _there) so at least, he could relax, even a just little and breathe some fresh air. He pushes himself so hard all the time._

_I huffed in annoyance when I realized I couldn't think of anything and decided to use mother to bribe him out of there, again. (It worked often enough.)_

'_Really, he's such a troublesome older brother.' _

* * *

_chapter 3_

_pieces of joy_

* * *

Sana tried to read as often as she could. Her mother and grandmother would often teach her whatever they can when they return to the village from the war. Her brother would try to teach her too, of course, but he was busy with many things such as training and his school work. She really didn't blame him for it but was quite disappointed with the fact that Sasori was spending less and less time with her.

No, of course she's not glaring at his homework.

She was only caught doing it _once_ (much to Sasori's amusement).

He's such a cheeky brother.

She loves him anyway.

(She had always wanted an older brother and now she knows that it's _great_. Besides, they've been living together as siblings for _years_).

She had now advanced to some heavier story books, with more content, from a several words picture book but of course, nothing too fancy. Though, she still struggles with writing. She idly thought that this must be one of the reasons why little children would throw temper tantrums.

Writing takes effort, focus, patience and being a perfectionist she was, she wants her writing to be above the passing line.

So, to help her writing, she started copying seals (bless her brother's heart) with her awkward fingers. This exercise was dreadfully difficult and awfully frustrating especially when she's been trying it for days but still couldn't do it as smoothly as she should have. (She was not the most patient person in the world).

Yes, she had started her ninja training. It was expected of her anyway and she wasn't some prodigy so she needed to start as soon as she can to sharpen her skills.

There was a huge list of what she must do and master, the quicker the better. Considering that she's the jinchuriki of Shukaku, it wouldn't surprise her if her chakra nature was wind which reminded her of the first two things on her long, long list of things to do.

Shukaku's jinchuriki ability to manipulate sand and her chakra.

Strangely, she couldn't really feel chakra in her body. Nothing different, completely normal like before and she would be lying if she said she wasn't crestfallen. Still, she might had to 'find' her chakra first because well, it's not like they said that she didn't have chakra coils right?

Eagerly, she sat in the corner of her room to try 'finding' her chakra. Alone.

(_Paranoia, paranoia, paranoia, no one is there, not above the ceiling, no one is watching you-_)

Was being curious about chakra at her age a sin? No.

But experimenting with it is dangerous.

Still, what could go wrong?

(_'You just did it, you mor-'_)

She sat with her brother's book about chakra (for ages five and below) and tried reading them once again. She recalled some things Sasori had said to her about chakra strings but those were for later.

She read, painfully slow, so that she wouldn't miss details or read the words wrongly (Japanese made her head spin).

'It's alright. I can do this.'

So, she did.

The feeling of accomplishment and pride bubbled up inside her when she saw the faint blue chakra on the palm of her hands. The chakra itself didn't feel like anything she had ever felt before but it was warm and breezy? She really didn't know how to describe it properly but with the 'breezy' description, she had a clue on what her chakra nature is, alright.

It took more time than she anticipated (concentrating, locating, distinguishing, pulling; trial and error generally) but it was worth it in the end. She felt giddy from what she had done, _'I actually did it with no body's help!'_, and there was a huge urge to show off what she could exactly do now.

She stopped pushing the chakra unto the palm of her hand, fully intending to look for her brother.

When she did, she felt something or _someone _above her.

She stiffened and paused mid-step.

(_'I told you.' She replied to herself with a quick 'shut up')._

It was chakra, she was sure, even if she could barely sense it. The chakra itself felt sharp and cool, somewhat like metal. It felt like the sharp end of a pin and that was the best description she could give about the signature (not the most descriptive of the bunch, as you can see).

Now she knows that someone had been watching over her.

Still watching, _right now_.

'Dear lord.'

If she had been smarter, she shouldn't have stopped walking. The person above her must now be suspicious because she had not moved for several seconds (_7, 8, 9-_) and was as tense as rock.

'So I'm sensitive to chakra? The moment I know how chakra feels like, I can feel other chakra signatures too? Is this possible? Is something wrong? What do I do now? Crap. Should I just walk away now? _Crapcrapcrap-_'

The chakra signature promptly disappeared in the middle of her silent panicking.

She was in deep trouble.

* * *

'Or not.'

It had been three days since the whole incident and still nothing of that shinobi with the chakra signature she had detected. There was also no one replacing the shinobi from the watch duty, which she was thankful for.

(Though, they could just have been hiding their chakra signature until she couldn't sense it-)

_Never again. Practice with supervision from now on._

Sasori now knows of her ability to use chakra, of course after showing it off, and gave her a pat of 'well done' which she replied with a huge, proud smile.

Her grandmother and mother was still not back yet but it only had been a little over a week since they had departed. They didn't really say when they would be back though, they never do. (She suspects that Sasori knows and she is the only one who had been left in the dark).

Her body still feels the same just that she is aware there's something else there which was, clearly, chakra. She doesn't really know exactly the flow of chakra or such details but just that the warm energy pools mostly around her abdomen.

It applies the same to everyone. Similarly, she could feel Sasori's chakra signature (warm and fuzzy like a wool sweater) and therefore, could tell that he's right there though, not the exact measure of chakra he has.

Maybe, she is a sensor but simply a minor one or she would be able to discern more as she grows.

With that, she left the topic behind but not before being, once more, thoroughly embarrassed of her panic attack.

(It must've been just the Kazekage's order on guarding her, right?)

'If only I could stop being so paranoid.'

* * *

When Sasori had collected her at noon with a hint of apprehension on his face, she knew there was something wrong.

(Chakra… going haywire?)

"Sana," He was almost whispering when he said her name and did his voice just shook?

"Kaa-san-" Her heart dropped.

With that one word, she understood, so they hurried and ran, ran, ran towards the hospital. It wasn't particularly far but for her short legs, it was an awfully tiring journey.

(No time for your glares and stares now because mother_mother__**mother**_-)

Sasori had held her hand throughout their little trip and she was responding to his death grip with her own.

'Dammit, dammit, _dammit_. This- this _isn't supposed to happen_. It's supposed to be me showing my chakra and- and_and- _Sasori, oh god, brother is supposed to show his hitaite- We're supposed to be _happy-_'

She didn't realize but her tears were starting to flow down her cheeks.

* * *

It must've been an odd sight for the medics, patients and visiting people alike.

The village's jinchuriki was crying (like any normal child would) and was clutching her brother's hand so tightly, it was turning pale white (again, like other children).

The people around could clearly feel their distress and the brother was trying hard not to cry himself, it seems. The sis- _jinchuriki_ was sniffling as she tried to wipe her tears and snot away from her face.

(It's still the devil beast- it's just a good actress that's all-)

The jinchuriki and her brother was answered by the front desk as curtly as possible and people glared as they ran to the room they were looking for.

In a glance, they might've looked like normal children, fearing the worst with their anxious, disheveled forms. If it was that, they would've pitied the children and offer them warm, comforting smiles.

However, everyone could not be deceived so easily.

The people knew and feared that little girl because _she's the jinchuriki_. Therefore, they pitied her mother and brother for they had to be associated with such a monster. Though, there were rumours that the mother had refused any thoughts on abandoning _it _and had taught the poor boy that his 'sister' was not a monster too.

It was probably so that the jinchuriki would obey her obediently no matter what but why drag the boy into this? He looked as if he would be a fine young man.

Really, if it's not to manipulate the thing for the village, what else could it be?

Love?

Utterly preposterous.

(But they really couldn't deny that the monster looked and acted a little bit _too _human).

* * *

"Sasori, Sana, I'm fine." Mother sighed softly and smiled from her hospital bed.

Her older brother said nothing and simply held on to their mother's hand while she, on the other hand, was so relieved, she cried again.

She really should be more collected (she was older than her brother) but she just _couldn't help it_. Their mother was safe and she's not dead.

_She's _not _dead._

She tried smiling through her tears and croaked, "I'm happy- happy you're okay, kaa-san."

'Thank you, thank you_, thankyou._'

Both of her feet was sore, her whole face was red and she's thoroughly exhausted but she's wholly grateful because their mother didn't suffer anything too serious. She's alive, not very well but alive.

Sana released a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and stood beside Sasori, who had said nothing the entire time.

"Nii-san?" Was he crying?

"I-" He sucked in a breath and nodded. "I'm fine."

Suddenly, a hand was ruffling her hair and she turned around, startled, to find their grandmother smiling warmly at them.

"I have… wonderful grandchildren." Chiyo eyed Sasori for a moment and then turned to her. "Both of you."

Chiyo sounded so very sincere.

She was in complete shock, her eyes wide.

Her tears, then, almost spilled again because really, Chiyo-obaa-san perhaps praised her (or what she took as a praise anyway) with a nod. She did use soft words and was patient with her all the time but she never really said something like _this_ to her.

It made her indescribably happy.

"Th- th- thank-" She just stuttering again and perhaps it was instinct to look for comfort, that she hugged her grandmother. Surprisingly, she hugged her back, gently.

She knew she heard Sasori utter a soft 'thank you' somewhere behind her.

Her heart was soaring.

It was a wonderfully pleasant feeling.

(_But, of course, we all know what comes up must come down._)

* * *

"I know- I know we didn't exactly part with the best circumstances last time."

He snorted.

"B- But, I'll prove to you." She paused, gathering her wits. "I- I'll prove to you that I'm worthy of your friendship."

She was bowing as much as she could in front of him because she really was unforgivable for manipulating him like that last time (it failed, spectacularly). She felt extremely guilty and she knew she was a jerk then.

"It's really selfish, I know. But- but, I just don't think I'm doing this for my sake anymore. I'm sorry if I offended you by trying to manipulate you so- I-"

It took everything, _everything_, to look at Shukaku again in the eye.

"I- I do want to be… your friend." She finished lamely. She fidgeted again and lost her courage to look at his unreadable eyes.

She was not an idiot for believing and putting her faith in him but rather, was an idiot for even trying to manipulate him.

There was a cackle and then, a laugh.

"**I can still kill you right there, where you're standing." **He laughed again and she knew it was because there was a flash of fear in her face. "**And what will be different from last time anyway, huh, brat? Trying another way to get what you want maybe? Say it!"**

The question lingered and she stayed still, silent.

'I am hoping that I won't regret this.'

"I- I do know that bijuu have abilities that humans can only dream of, that's why they fear the bijuu and that's why you are monsters." There was a low feral growl and she could feel the killing intent again but she kept her calm (she really, _really _tried but she's very, _very _scared).

"B-But never mindless monsters." She finished with all the finality and courage she could muster.

There was a heavy silence.

The intent vanished and he really looked at her, not with that ridiculing or mad look, he was serious and scrutinizing her. It was a welcoming change in his attitude and gave her the push to explain more of what she had said.

"You have intellect and you are probably wiser than all of us since you've lived really long right? I respect knowledge. You… have feelings too and- and I just don't want to be enemies with you since we do have to stick together anyways, no matter what. That's why, I want us to really be friends." Perhaps, she was just blabbering but she was nervous. The thought of making Shukaku as agreeable (happy, she would've preferred) as Kurama was just something she couldn't resist doing.

He deserved friends too if she could have her family.

She, this time, with her whole heart, thought- no wished this for him.

It's not the whole sincere trash that she thought of because that was all a big, fat lie. She was just forcing herself to play nice to get what she needed.

Though this time, she wants to try to change all those to whom she could reach out to.

Including Shukaku.

"**Well, well, I am quite entertained with your little speech." **He grinned maniacally. **"Maybe you will prove to be… interesting."**

Her whole body relaxed and she broke into a stupid grin.

"Yep!"

* * *

Today is the day whether or not Sasori will become a genin.

(Of course he will pass the dumb test).

He had been good or _too _good and because of that, skipped several years. Thus, making him a very young graduate.

So they waited, quite far off but close enough, outside the Academy for her brother and when they saw the hitaite tied on his forehead while he walked towards them, they weren't very surprised but still proud nonetheless especially with the final confirmation.

"Nii-san! Congratulations!" She ran up to him and beamed. He's a genin of Sunagakure now and definitely, he'll be busy. If he becomes chunin this fast, she's not quite sure if she'll be exuding pride from every pore in her body or be extremely devastated.

He crouched, patted my head and smiled (adorable!).

"Thank you, imouto." He replied like he usually does but it was clear that he was pleased with his newest achievement.

Mother approached him then, as he stood while she went to the sidelines with happy grin on her face. As Sasori grew up, it seems that it's fine when she clings unto him but he wasn't really a touchy-feely type.

So when Mother hugged him and said a simple but earnest 'I'm proud of you', he froze for a moment but then relaxed and returned the hug.

She giggled at the sight but was then swiftly dragged into the hug as well (it's her brother's doing).

Right then, she wanted the world to stop completely.

_Her family was warm._

Perhaps, it would seem they are from a sappy family drama but hugging them together like this, perfectly content and forgetting everything else, it was something she could not describe.

That's when she remembered her tiny promise.

But either Sana or her, it doesn't really matter, she will defend the warmth of this family.

If she had to fight tooth and nail, so be it.

She will do anything.

_No matter what._

'I swear.'

* * *

"She seems to have taken the initiative to start ninja training on her own and," he paused but then continued, "I have my suspicions that she is a sensor."

"Alright. I will assign another to take your place. Dismissed."

With that, the shinobi disappeared.

'Starting on her own, is it?'

There was a faint smile on his lips as he gazed out through the window to his village.

* * *

Not much angst in this chapter but some fluff and happiness into her life instead? (Thought her dear mother was going to die, maybe?)

Of course, this is far from over.

Alright, this doesn't mean Shukaku is approving her, guys, or that they won't clash. I'm just finding a way to make them _temporarily _(or not) stick together. I also hope that her sudden determination didn't seem to come out of nowhere.

Family is not always peaceful and nice too, right?

Hey, life has its ups and downs.

Thank you for the support! I really love you guys. Uh, is it awful of me if I ask for your input? (For my really fast update, maybe?)

Right, right but really, you guys should give me your opinions or even theories! I don't mind because then, the story will open up to many different possibilities and not just the one I thought of.

Happy (early) New Year, everyone!


	5. chapter 4

I can't believe I wrote 'my' in the last chapter when it was supposed to be third person. Fixed it, of course.

The **disclaimer **still applies.

_edited: 1/12/2014_

* * *

"_Funny, how previously, I was detaching myself from the people around me to avoid being hurt but now, I'm clinging on to them to avoid the hate here." I mentioned, offhandedly, while lying on the sand to stare at the red moon._

_He didn't answer, as expected._

"_Hm, I wonder how they're doing now?" I questioned to no one in particular, still looking up._

"_**You're rambling and disturbing my sleep. Go away or I'll kill you, brat." **__He was annoyed, that much I could guess._

_I answered him by shutting up and proceeded to propel my body upwards to sit. I started writing in English on the sand with my fingers._

_To stop abruptly right after._

_I was deathly silent and my eyes were suddenly wide with shock and disbelief._

"_I-" I whispered in horror, "I can't remember anymore."_

_It took a while for me to snap out of it and when I tried to remember again, it was obvious that no, I really couldn't remember._

_Perhaps, it was to be expected that I would forget someday but knowing that you have forgotten is a totally different matter._

_It felt as if I'm abandoning them._

_It felt as if I'm tossing them away._

_Like a broken doll._

"_I… I can't remember the name of my parents." _

_Shukaku said nothing._

* * *

_chapter 4_

_keep hell close_

* * *

It started with profuse sweating, tossing, turning and horrified gasps.

All too soon, it escalated to screams.

(_Please, please, please no- Stop it, no more, stop, stop them, stopthescreamsnononopleaseno-_)

She had begged every single day to the gods above (if they even existed) so that the monster inside her daughter would not give her nightmares, make her scream with fright (every single night, always) and _oh god_ because now she knows that it's _deathly horrifying_.

At night, she would scream.

_Fear- she is shaking oh please, please, please- fearfearfear so very, very infectious-_

Her mind would betray her.

She would think of death.

Her child drowning in her own red, red, red blood.

Her child with hollow, honey eyes that cry out-

_Why?_

_Why me?_

_Why, why, why?_

_Mother, why didn't you save me?_

* * *

She teetered on the brink.

She questioned herself.

With a heavy sigh, she rested her arm on the top of her face, covering her eyes.

'Am I going mad?'

There was a laugh and a gleeful whisper of _'perhaps'_.

* * *

She knew that her 'friendship' with Shukaku would not be that easy.

(At least, she knew she was not _that_ naïve).

Therefore, she knew there was a huge probability of nightmares because even the red haired boy (there was a possibility of her never seeing him) had left behind the prospect of sleep.

Just to escape.

She could understand why he had refused sleep because right now, she was going through them like he had once before (perhaps, he wouldn't this time).

But truly, she felt like she was going insane, crazy, deranged because of it all.

She could really do nothing to stop it.

It had started slowly, from flashes of blood and a whisper of a scream, but it grew more and more into crushed bodies with insides decorating the floor, bones protruding from the corpses, redred_red _going drip, drip, drip, decapitated heads, body parts littering the ground, shrill screams of anger to fear, ecstatic laughter ringing, echoing.

She had screamed.

Every time.

Unbearable, too much, she couldn't take it.

But she knew, knew, _knew_ that to have Shukaku respect or even just _accept_ her that she _had_ to overcome this.

It was what he had done.

Friends _accept_.

She cannot deny.

There was no escape, once again.

* * *

She retched, as always, after a night's rest.

He was fully aware that his little sister was suffering.

It was unfair.

He was useless.

He could do nothing to help her.

It was a battle she had to win on her own.

But, but, _but _it was not easy, never easy. No, the ghosts wouldn't be gone with simply gentle reassurances or infinite number of hugs or loving kisses. He knew this when she had tried describing one of these 'bad dreams' of hers.

_She was just a child, not even ninja._

She shook, licked her lips for the umpteenth time, stuttered, her eyes darting left and right while she told them, with her hoarse voice and the best of her abilities, the dreams.

She was a nervous wreck and her eyes would try to look for things that wasn't there as if one of which haunted her would jump, claw at her and-

(He would make sure it would face him before anything, _anything _gets to her).

"I-I need to do t-this- I- I have to."

Wide eyes, disbelief, horror decorated every inch of their faces.

_But why?_

She gave them a crooked smile.

"B-Because I-Ichibi-san and I a-are friends now."

* * *

Rest was scarce and it could be proven with the dark bags under her eyes that will say all that was needed to.

Her heart and body was heavy with exhaustion that she felt as if she had trod the depths of hell. (She knew it was an exaggeration, but still, it was close enough).

She stumbled towards the dining table, wishing desperately for water, but instead, found a warm cup of tea, waiting for her to soothe her sore throat.

Tea was exceptionally rare nowadays, especially with the war going on, therefore, it was extremely difficult to acquire such luxuries because even clean water was tough to obtain for the village.

So, it was no wonder that the four year old was staring incredulously at the innocent cup of tea on the table, forgetting her earlier fatigue.

Sasori was previously and uneasily watching his sister stagger from her bedroom to the dining room but was, undoubtedly, and yet again amused by his sister's antics especially when her eyes met the tea their mother had prepared shortly before she left, his worry slightly evaporating.

(Really, it was not _stalking_, he was just _watching over _his sister).

Perhaps it was not his imagination that she had too much understanding for someone so, _too_ young.

He had also known of war when he was at her age (their mother taught them a little too well) even though he was told simply the surface of such matters then, he understood that casualties were everywhere (it was quite easy to see) and he should be a good boy which meant doing what he was told. Though he understood more of the situation now. After all, he was an adult in the face of the people even if he was only eight years of age. Most importantly, he is a shinobi.

So it was really not a huge surprise that his sister had come to understand, like he had before.

Maybe she'll be a good kunoichi.

It was sudden but there was a flash of thought before it disappeared into the depths of his mind.

'_I am not alone.'_

* * *

The whole problem was getting out of hand and it was utterly ridiculous.

She was getting too jumpy of every single thing, moving or not, in the corner of her eye. She had clung unto her brother as much as possible but it was not just him, her mother and grandmother whenever they would come back from the war would also be her victims.

It was just that she was too scared for her own good.

But having the presence of the people she knew had comforted her greatly and allowed her to somewhat relax.

Of course, she couldn't completely do such thing.

The screams would follow her through her day and so would the laughter, greatly unnerving her. To distract herself, she trained with her chakra, read as many books as she could, practiced her writing, even exercised and did some of the basic katas Sasori and her mother taught her whenever she came home.

Anything that took great dedication and concentration, she took.

It was the best distraction that she could manage.

There were disadvantages of this arrangement, of course.

She grew much more tired and she could only manage a nap before the disturbing dreams would come back. She wouldn't agree to another sleep session after because the results would be the same. (She tried and vowed not to repeat the torture twice in such a short span of time).

Surprisingly, she was still willing enough to sleep every day.

Or maybe that was just her relenting to the exhaustion.

She would have to break free from this.

Before it breaks her.

* * *

Shukaku's voice could be heard in the back of her mind nowadays but they were terribly faint.

She wasn't sure if she should jump for joy or wail like a baby.

It was quite a mixture of both, what she felt like doing.

Though she ignored the notion and instead, heard Shukaku's quiet snort.

Such was his responses and the others would be sarcastic remarks, pointed silence or growling.

The beast was not exactly the happiest to have roamed the land.

She held in a giggle as she imagined Shukaku being a carefree _tanuki_, jumping around with joy radiating off him while smiling like the sun.

She could feel the mild build of his temper in the back of her mind.

'Sorry, it was just funny, alright? No harm done.'

She should've known better because Shukaku doesn't like the thought of his pride being wounded and apparently, had no sense of humour.

'Alright, alright, I won't do that again.'

She sighed as she felt Shukaku's unresponsive silence.

_Simply accept, people would say. Deal with them, they would add. _

She would grit her teeth and silently reply.

_That's what you say because you don't know._

If the whole ordeal was possible to stop, she would have tried.

It all came crashing down when Shukaku actually answered the question she had asked him.

"_**I thought you wanted us to be… 'friends'. Then you must know of what I am, wouldn't you agree, brat?"**_

That was the only time his voice had been suspiciously clear in her head.

She knew he was doing this to break her.

It was expected.

But it didn't mean it hurt any less.

Her effort of becoming friends with Shukaku, that took all her courage, was heavily doubted by him.

There was no trust.

Only a seal binding them.

Between them, nothing held them together.

_Nothing._

* * *

It was the climax of the war, perhaps, that it had happened.

It didn't help her situation.

_God, why?_

(He has no need to answer, you pathetic scum. There is also the chance that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you or he could have had never been there in the first place-)

She was four years old and trying, crawling through the mud just to _survive_.

There was an attempt to murder her.

_Assassination._

It really shouldn't be a surprise to her but with the previous peace she had and the predicament she was in, she had forgotten of such possibilities.

If the jinchuriki was killed, the beast would cease to exist (temporarily, but it would take time for them to recover).

If pushed, they may be lucky enough that the beast would create havoc in the village, completely destroying it.

The outcome of both would be an advantage to the outsiders.

Especially when the jinchuriki was simply a helpless child.

At that time, her brother had gone on a C-Rank mission (_no, no, don't go-_) and so was out of the house. Her mother and grandmother had been gone for over two weeks and wouldn't be returning for quite some time. That left her alone in the house with the occasional caretaker that would not dare come close and simply tried finishing their chores as fast as they could to get away from her.

It was her hidden guards that saved her life.

(They were still there after all, not gone like she had assumed).

She was standing still, in front of her bed, contemplating if she should sleep because she was completely drained but she was doubting her decision.

It was all too fast for her.

There was a spike of horrible, murderous chakra behind her, a glint of silver then a _clang_ as kunai met kunai.

Despite exposure of killing intent much wilder than that of the shinobi (Shukaku had done that to her), she had found herself trembling and frozen stiff.

"Stay away! Don't get close!"

Her body, with no hesitation, obeyed the order instantly and tried to stay as far as she could from the battlefield inside her tiny room.

They talked, mocked, sneered but she didn't know any of it. Her heart was thumping so very loudly in her ears and the flares of chakra and killing intent was flooding her senses.

She found herself in tears.

She was terrified and wished her brother, mother or even grandmother for comfort.

The battle was short but brutal and soon enough, there were two dead foreign shinobi in her room.

She whimpered.

Though what was scaring her was not the corpses or the blood (oh, she had seen it all) but the thought of two people _dead_ in _her room_.

Thankfully, they had not screamed or made a sound when they had passed.

The two people who had protected her said nothing and simply nodded to each other. The other disappeared while the one left eyed her carefully and without a word, walked silently towards the door.

"Uhm!"

She, suddenly making a sound which was obviously directed at the man, gained his attention and he paused in his steps though he didn't turn around to face her.

"N-nii-san," she shook but gulped to continue, "w-when will h-he b-be back?"

Maybe he will give her the answer to her source of comfort.

He answered with a sharp, apathetic tone, "Keep yourself hidden and if you feel or see something strange, warn us."

Then there was a click as the door closed.

No, no, _of course not_.

She dragged herself to the corner of her bedroom, slumped, drew her knees towards her, buried her face and sobbed.

'I can't take this. I hate this. I didn't want any of this, I never did. I was going to lose my life again but maybe that would've been better? If I had died, I wouldn't have to deal with this, right? Right?'

Better, better, better if she was dead. If only, she wasn't here, right now, it would've been different. She wouldn't have been nearly assassinated just for what is inside her and she would have-

'_Weak.'_

It was the voice she had long since recognized.

'_**Is this all you can do, brat? And to think you're the one who wanted my acceptance. This is ridiculous! Pathetic! You had seen all those dreams so shut up and stop pitying your damn self! To think I accepted an offer from someone as weak as you, I should've known better." **_

He insulted her and the words were like a slap to the face.

Weak. Pathetic.

'I know.'

"_**If you know, stop whining and being a coward. This is what all ninjas do. Don't daydream about how safe your stupid previous life was. Brat, I don't want to be dead. Get it?" **_

_Stop crying and accept it, deal with it because this is who you are now._

Maybe he had just wanted to ridicule her or maybe he wanted to help her, as far-fetched as it sounded, she felt somewhat weary but assured.

She stopped crying.

This would probably happen again and someone would try to kill her.

But she really have to stop complaining about her situation.

She was reborn because of some strange twist of fate and in a fictional world (now it's not so 'fictional' anymore) she had once read and watched.

Shukaku was sealed inside her, for one reason or another, and that's why she is the target of fear, hate and murder.

These things were inevitable.

_But she was lucky enough that there are still people who love her._

She was much better than other people out there in this crazed world that had no one to turn to.

_Grow a backbone._

She was going to be ninja to defend herself and the people she cared for. This was one of those things that was considered _normal_ in this world because people kill each other on daily basis. She could be one of those people who would be assigned for assassination in the future if she could live through this.

_And she will._

'No more. Stop being so weak, dammit.'

She would be scared and would freeze, whimper, tremble because she would still a coward but she will try to be brave and face the situation.

Not whine, pity herself, continue being useless and give up.

'Next time, don't panic.'

_Grow up._

* * *

Phew, angsty chapter.

I hope it wasn't too confusing to read and uh, what do you think of it?

Thank you for your theory, _1412 karasu_! Holy cow, your input was amazing!

And _TheQueen'sknight_, here's the chapter you wanted! Hope you like it!

I was really busy and was unable to update last week. I'll try to update as often as possible though but I'm really sorry if I didn't update for one or two months or even more.

Thank you so much for the additional favs and alerts!


	6. chapter 5

I am going to recommend a few SIs here. Everyone knows of _Dreaming of Sunshine_ by _Silver Queen_. Also, go read _Déjà vu no Jutsu_ by _Vixen Tail _and thank you for answering my questions!

The **disclaimer **still applies.

* * *

"_Listen, Sa-chan," mother sighed and gave me a small smile, "do you know why everyone treats you like that?"_

_I was well aware that she was referring to the obvious resentment and fear people had towards me. It was quite simple, Shukaku or the 'monster' was (sealed) inside me._

_Her smile was tight and she looked weary but determined at the same time._

_I slowly raised my hand and pointed to my stomach._

"_He yellow eyes and big." I murmured. Maybe that was too much? Should I even be aware of it? Too late now._

_The smile dropped and her hold tightened on my scrawny shoulders. She appeared to be devastated, her determination gone, and her tired posture made it seem worse._

_I didn't realize her eyes was glistening with tears until she sobbed, silence broken._

"_Kaa-san? What wrong? Okay, kaa-san?" I asked, extremely concerned. My mother was crying and I never saw her cry before and this made me anxious._

"_Sana, I- I'm sorry." She pulled me into an embrace but I could feel her shaking, still sobbing._

_What made her like this, exactly? She asked a question and I had informed her I knew of Shukaku and then, I-_

_Oh._

Oh.

_Did she feel guilty? _

"_If only your father was here…" It was barely audible, despite the close distance between us, but I heard them. My breath hitched, mind swirling with questions. _

_Was her burden in raising Sasori and me too much to bear alone?_

_('You, you, you are the problem not your brother.')_

_I shook myself out of my distracting thoughts and attempted to calm my mother._

_Only, how do I even try to comfort her when my Japanese wasn't exactly understandable?_

"_It's okay, kaa-san. Don't cry. Everything okay," I tried soothing her by returning her hug and spouting gentle consolation. Ironic, it was like as if the roles were reversed._

_She must have assumed, then, that I was simply just a child, too, _too_ young, and therefore, I was unaware that what I had said was a complete lie. That maybe, I was too confused, oblivious and that all I had said were all an effort to comfort her because, really, who in the world would know how to console a crying mother?_

_Of course, it's never really alright._

_I had decided that I preferred being referred by her as oblivious. So I simply continued on hugging her and kept my mouth shut._

* * *

_chapter 5_

_what must be_

* * *

Her brother wasn't anti-social.

It was just that he can be quite cold.

Maybe somewhat uncaring.

He's rather picky?

And a tad bit grumpy?

A little bit on the impatient side, perhaps?

He does like glaring.

(Or staring too long and hard that it had felt like burning holes into somebody's skull).

No, no, he's really not 'anti-social'. He's a great brother and a brilliant shinobi; respectable, strong, smart. It's just that people simply don't appreciate him enough, that's all. Besides, he needs completely trustworthy comrades, right? And not everyone is like that.

He seemed unperturbed by his lack of friends and she had overheard him answering their mother with an indifferent 'it's better without distractions all the time' which seemed to have stunned them both.

Sasori was never _indifferent _towards their mother.

Once or twice, annoyed but most of them were happy, satisfied, proud. He never showed too much with his tone or expressions but it was not difficult to see the affections he had towards mother.

That was the first time.

Now, 'friendship' became a sensitive subject in the house.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't see a way around it.

She was the guilty one.

Who would try associating with the jinchuriki? No, nobody would and that was why staying away was clearly the best solution.

Her chest constricted and there was a painful throb.

'I am responsible for it so, I'll… make it up. I have to.'

That was when her brother and mother's expectations of her began to morph into what meant the world to her.

* * *

"Sa-chan, come with me. We're going somewhere today."

There was a flicker of cold, stone cold expression before it became warm again, like the forever lasting summer of Suna. She soon dismissed what she had witnessed because, really, she must've imagined such expression on her gentle mother's face.

She never noticed her own mother's nervous, rigid posture.

"Hai, kaa-san."

Sana took the offered hand.

* * *

"No."

"We must."

"_No._" It came out more like a suppressed hiss.

There was a quiet rustle of fabric and the tone softened, "I would not let harm come to her, like you would not."

Silent, contemplating.

"Must it be so soon?" A relenting whisper.

"I need to make sure it wouldn't happen again, at any cost."

That was the 'yes' she had dreaded for.

* * *

She wasn't sure if it was the hat, the robe or his chakra (rolling off him in powerful waves) but something surely gave it away.

Kazekage.

The Third Kazekage was there, standing in front of her.

He was a tall man with charcoal black hair and strange gold eyes, like that of a cat. He exuded power and confidence which would seem to demand respect from people around him, if there was any.

Strangely, he gave her the impression of familiarity.

Abruptly, her thoughts halted and her mind went blank.

'What…?'

Realization came barreling towards her and she couldn't help the exaggerated widening of her eyes or a tiny gasp that escaped from her lips when it finally hit her.

"O-oji-sama?"

The grip on her hand tightened but to her, it was unnoticeable.

* * *

To her, discovering that a family member was a powerful figure in the village wasn't comforting at all.

Though, because of this, the pieces came together perfectly. It had been confusing, at first, and even then, it still never made any sense.

Until now.

There was a reason why she was the jinchuriki.

She was compatible. She was the Kazekage's 'niece'.

That was all that was needed to make the decision.

What she would come to know was that her mother had interacted with her uncle (it still felt strange in her mouth and her mind, no matter how many times she had said it) since they were young and had good relations. They got along well, became friends and reliable person each could turn to. They became close, like how siblings would.

Everything was all fine and swell (or had been in a better situation) but then, the war started.

The previous jinchuriki went amok during his mission.

He returned to the village but had lost an arm, his sight and his sanity.

They concluded that they needed a new container before the man decided that wreaking havoc in the middle of the village would benefit him.

The man had approved of his death and never tried defending himself for a right to live or to be out of the cage he was in.

It was, perhaps, tragic but no one bothered to notice.

After all, why care for a dead man anyway?

She came in when her brother was not compatible and at that time, her mother was pregnant with her.

"Why not the Kazekage's child then?" You might ask this but, that was not possible.

The woman who had scorned her that day, Haruka, would never be able to conceive a child. To Haruka (never an aunt but just another passing face), it was truly relieving and devastating at the same time.

The theory was that if one was related to the center of the village, which was the Kazekage, they would be more loyal, more faithful. Thus, being the only choice left, everything rested on her.

They couldn't be happier and relieved when she was proclaimed compatible by her very own grandmother.

Except her mother and father.

She was never sure about her grandmother.

The details of the whole story would be known by her at a later time but for now, she knew her blood relations to the Kazekage played a major part in her being the village's jinchuriki.

She couldn't help but resent her blood ties to the man.

* * *

Her newly discovered uncle had stated clearly that no, she wouldn't be allowed attend the Academy because she was too 'dangerous' (he had modified his wording to 'unstable'). It hadn't made her the slightest bit happy that she wasn't going but her suspicions grew steadily.

She would definitely be trained to be a kunoichi, whether she wanted to or not.

Though when he said that she had done a good job in 'controlling' the tailed beast (better than expected, it seemed, since there were no incidents yet), she knew she didn't imagine the growl she had heard. It was no wonder why Shukaku was irritated, he really despised the thought of anyone above him. Shukaku stayed silent after that one misunderstanding that she hadn't bothered correcting.

The big news was that she was to be trained under several different shinobi and her progress would be reported to him. It was evident that he didn't want to be disappointed because he ended the discussion with "I look forward to the results of your training." and a sharp gaze that had almost made her flinch.

Quickly leaving the office, her mother pulled her along and ignored the looks some gave them. She was strangely silent throughout the whole thing but she resisted the urge to ask her mother. After all, if she wanted to say something, she would.

She herself had been mutely contemplating her own circumstances.

It seems that they had found another way for her to be trained into a 'weapon'.

If Shukaku had snorted, she had done so with him.

* * *

The nightmares had not been abated.

But she had been getting better on getting used to it.

Sometimes, she would still scream because it was no easy task to accept the gory nightmares as 'nothing unusual' especially when Shukaku had something new to show her every night. She had been more successful, however, in holding in her screams and gasping through her covered mouth instead, resulting in no worried faces surrounding her.

For her, it was something she felt extremely proud of.

(But she had a feeling that she'll never be able to grow unperturbed by it).

There were still flashes of something in the corner of her eyes, but she tried to ignore it most of the time. If it had been someone she knew, their chakra signature would tell. If it wasn't, the guards would 'protect' her.

Like that night.

It had drove her to concentrating more on her chakra exercises and kicking, punching the wooden pole harder than before, as if the assassins' faces were what she was smashing.

The feeling of helplessness and cowardice reminded her that she was weak, that she needed to train harder so that she wouldn't be in that position again, especially if it would endanger anyone she held close to her heart.

Shukaku's stinging words had been an indication to how far she still had to go before he could even give the slightest bit of respect. She admit, she had been childish and unreasonable that she had even denied her new reality that she thought she had come to terms with a long time ago.

She would sigh and scratch her cheek in embarrassment whenever Shukaku would mumble an almost incoherent 'what 20 year old woman mentality'.

* * *

Short chapter because I really don't want it to be too long with the training and I don't have anything to write about anymore.

Thank you so much for the favs and follows!

_1412 karasu: _Actually, I had thought about dreams before you reviewed but your whole opinion helped me with some ideas. The questions, I am not sure if I should answer, I mean, spoilers? And about that Sana dying, here are the results. First, if she died while Shukaku was still inside of her, Shukaku wouldn't die but it would take a long, long time for him to regenerate which is equivalent to dying. If Sana panics and let her emotions loose, Shukaku could take that chance to go free.

_Akaneiro: _Ah, thank you for thinking that way! Here, I'll give you cookies! I hope you enjoyed the update.

Until next time!


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